I'm expecting this to be the main
'Tiger Woods look' from here on out.
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On today's edition of the program, we welcome the mysterious, elusive, illustrious Swaam, who we hope may one day help co-host the show. He joins us on the final segment to talk a little more about our top story.
• Tiger Woods will give his first public statement since "The Incident" this coming Friday. He will not take any questions. It will suck.
WHAT SHOULD TIGER SAY? Email the show at firstname.lastname@example.org and give us your best press-conference soundbyte. We'll read the funniest ones on Friday's program.
• The Ravens have signed Donte Stallworth. We'll discuss how lucky you have to be to drive drunk, kill a man, serve only 28 days in jail and then get a $900,000 contract for your troubles. For insight on this, we turn to the legendary words of Chris Rock, a la OJ: "That sh*t was about fame. If OJ drove a bus..? He wouldn't even be OJ; he'd be Orrenthal, the Bus-Drivin' Murderer."
• We make nice with France, but quickly lump them back into the Axis of Evil. They tried to bilk us out of 18 million bottles of wine. For real. And speaking of the Axis of Evil, we have another special birthday guest on the program today...
• We review the new record by 60 Watt Kid, We Come From the Bright Side.
• The Swaam weighs in on Tiger Woods and Donte Stallworth, and we bring you the latest installment of our new favorite Olympics segment, "This Day in Soul-Crushing Women's Hockey Losses."
• Serge Gainsbourg, Madame Claude (1977)
• In a classic moment of on-air stupidity, a British news anchor confused Joe Biden's ash with a bruise yesterday. Click here for a hilarious story by Artie Lange about being threatened by his bookie on Ash Wednesday, made even more hilarious by Howard Stern losing complete control of his laughter.