Keisel 3:16... I Got a Fever, and the Only Prescription is More Beard

• When the Packers hold 'Game Night' and play Clue, there is only one suspect: Brett Keisel, in the backfield, with the beard.

• If Bam Morris had Brett Keisel's beard, he would have had a much better place to hide all that weed.

• If Neil O'Donnell had Brett Keisel's beard, no one would know who the f*ck Larry Brown is.

• Legend has it that Brett Keisel's beard is what enabled Cortes to conquer ancient Mexico. The Aztecs mistook it for their supreme god, Keizelcoatl.

• Sidney Crosby's Frito Bandito pube-'stache wants to be Brett Keisel's beard when it grows up.

• Brett Keisel's beard can fold a piece of paper in half eight times.

• Brett Keisel's beard is so frightening, it's not a beard. It's a feard.

• If Bill Buckner had Brett Keisel's beard... ironically, no one would know who Bill Buckner was. Kind of funny how that one works.

• SPOILER ALERT: In the season finale of "Big Love," Brett Keisel's beard beats up Bill Paxton and takes all his wives.

• If Stringer Bell had Brett Keisel's beard, Brother Mouzone really would be selling beanpies. In a wheelchair.

• Brett Keisel's beard once appeared on NBC's "Minute to Win It." In 27 seconds, it kicked Guy Fieri's stupid bi-colored, tri-pronged beard's ass, took his girl and ate his food.

• Brett Keisel cannot braid his beard. If he does, he will spontaneously sprout two large horns and spend Super Bowl week pillaging the greater Arlington area.

• While at Harvard, Mark Zuckerberg befriended a janitor who was fired from the Steelers' training facility for locker-room theft. The man sold Zuckerberg a single hair from Brett Keisel's beard, which he ground into powder and snorted. Two hours later, he created Facebook.

My Brett Keisel Beardisms Beat Your Brett Keisel Beardisms' Ass and Took Their Lunch Money

Oh, really? Brett Keisel's beard could kick Chuck Norris's beard's ass? Wooow. Took you half an hour to think that one up? STEP YOUR GAME UP.

• Some states execute death-row inmates with the electric chair. In Utah, they rub a balloon on Brett Keisel's beard and touch your nose.

• "In my country, I see great men with great beard. Brett Keisel beard is greatest beard of ages. Thanks, Dan." - Evgeni Malkin

• Filtered tap water is not clean enough for Brett Keisel's beard. Brett Keisel's beard makes its own water. The hardest part is keeping the oxygen in the bowl.

• Schindler saved all those Jews by hiding them in Brett Keisel's beard. But Steven Spielberg on his high horse, he won't make a movie about a heroic hair mountain. That's racist.

• If you have five dollars and Brett Keisel's beard has five dollars, Brett Keisel's beard has more money than you. In fact, now Brett Keisel's beard has ten dollars. Punk.

• If Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears had Brett Keisel's beard, they wouldn't have been so embarassed by those paparazzi shots.

• Brett Keisel's beard's favorite movies are "To Kill a Mockingbeard," "Beard Science," "Beard and Present Danger" and "The Big Lebeardski." And "Rocky IV."

• If Brett Keisel's beard had a voice, it would sound like a combination of Darth Vader, Barry White, Howlin' Wolf and Godzilla.

• When Brett Keisel braids his beard, every Norwegian woman in a 99-mile radius simultaneously becomes sexually excited.

• A foolish man once tried to produce a likeness of Brett Keisel's beard using a Wooly Willy. A bolt of lightning struck his left testicle. Brett Keisel's beard does not tolerate such insolence.

• Brett Keisel's beard can watch '60 Minutes' in 20 minutes.

• "Damn, that thing is hairy." - Signed, 1970s Porn Stars

• "Brett Keisel's beard is out of control." - Sincerely, the 1992 L.A. Riots

• If Abraham Lincoln had Brett Keisel's beard... well... he'd still be dead, but you see where I'm going with this: Brett Keisel's beard can deflect bullets.

• "Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy beard. Thy facial hair come, thy will be done, in Arlington as it is in Pittsburgh. In the name of Keisel's Beard, Omar Epps and the Rooney Family. Fear the beard. Amen."

• When Aaron Rodgers' beard saw Brett Keisel's beard, it ran to Mississippi, grabbed a clipboard and hid in Brett Favre's 5'o'clock shadow for three years.