Super Bowl Week: Oh, the Irony...

I find it highly ironic that Matt Hasselbeck is involved in this "anti-pornography" Super Bowl party. Particularly when you consider that the only redeeming thing about him is how badly I want to see a picture of his sister-in-law's breasts. (In a lovely case of double-irony, that's also the only redeeming thing about her.)

Super Bowl XLV: Fear the Beard

Fear. The. Beard.

Almost as fantastic as my hometown Steelers heading to Super Bowl XLV is the tremendous campaign that has been waged in honor of Brett Keisel's glorious hairy upside-down mountain. As a bearded man myself, I can only look and marvel at what the Diesel has been able to accomplish, both on the field and on the face. And so, a few "beardisms" in the run-up to the big game. Feel free to add yours:

• When Brett Keisel's beard gets tangled with Polamalu's hair in a defensive pile-up, Alec Guiness feels a great disturbance in The Force.

• Michael Scofield used a hair plucked from Brett Keisel's beard to escape Soma prison.

• Brett Keisel does not have to wipe his nose in the winter. Snot spontaneously combusts upon coming into contact with Brett Keisel's beard. This is also why Brett Keisel does not require a napkin while eating.

• Brett Keisel's beard once got into a fight with Polamalu's hair while on a fishing boat. The resulting shockwave carved the Marianas Trench.

• Hairs that fall when Brett Keisel combs his beard are capable of recording two sacks and a forced fumble in a Pop Warner game.

• HAVE YOU HEARD?!?!? BRETT KEISEL JUST SHAVED HIS BEARD! When he did, out popped Tupac, Biggie, Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, the Loch Ness Monster's dried-up skeleton, D.B. Cooper, a working magic lamp and a dodo (partial credit to my boy Shady on that one)

• Stroking Brett Keisel's beard can cure The Ninja.

• Brett Keisel once jumped into the ocean while on vacation in New England. The resulting wave killed George Clooney and Marky Mark in "The Perfect Storm."

• Brett Keisel doesn't, in fact, have a beard. What you see on his face is simply an extension of his indestructible skeleton, which is constructed of BEARDAMANTIUM.

• The world's greatest scientists were able to stretch out a single strand of Brett Keisel's beard until it was 727 feet high and 1,244 feet across. That strand now plays defense against the Colorado River, and is commonly referred to as "The Hoover Dam."

• If you want to secure America's borders... weave a fence out of Brett Keisel's beard.

• Brett Keisel's beard isn't into the whole brevity thing

• Brett Keisel's beard does not shave - it has attained the power of invisibility.

To the Steeler nation — at least the fellas, or perhaps the girls with too much testosterone — if you aren't sporting the whiskers already, BEARD UP. Throw your hairy support behind Big Ben, The Beard and the whole Steelers squidder!

To get you pumped up for the game, here's a beat I cooked up as a tribute to the late Myron Cope, whose Steelers won the AFC Championship on his birthday. Perfect. (Link will be active until Jan. 30)

"I HATE THE RAIDERS! I HATE FOOTBALL!"

This is a very hilarious, and yet partially confusing, video. This kid really, really hates the Raiders, apparently for beating the San Diego Chargers. But then they zoom in... and he's wearing a Bears t-shirt. Wha...? Eh, doesn't matter. The best part is how his own mother is laughing at his misery:

'Ghana' Send You Packing: A Look Back at the U.S. 2010 World Cup Run

It was a good run, boys...

As I sit here watching the Brasil/Chile game (0-0, 17th minute), I can't help but feel a little dejected at the U.S. exit from the World Cup, once again at the hands of the Ghana Black Stars ("La Estrellas Negras!" as the overexcited Univision announcer kept yelling)... in their off-brand ketchup jerseys, no less ("The McDonald's uni," my boy called it).

It wasn't long after the loss that sarcastic remarks like, "Yeah well, f&^! soccer, anyway" and "How can we not beat GHANA?" began to permeate the atmosphere. This is sort of a continuation of something I would call "Slovenia Syndrome."

Slovenia Syndrome is the baseless belief that the United States should beat other national teams based on population or military history. Tony Kornheiser, though he may have been half-joking, said on PTI, "America has 300 million people; Slovenia has 2 million." To which I would respond, "So the f&^! what?"

Ghana has 23 million people. That's L.A. and two New Yorks. They've sent us packing two Cups in a row now.

Now, I was going around earlier mistakenly blasting out what I thought was an insightful and simultaneously hilarious remark of my own, about people who fall victim to Slovenia Syndrome. I said that it's no wonder America invented baseball, basketball and its OWN football... because we totally sucked at the world's true No. 1 sport.

Well... turns out baseball and basketball were both invented before soccer, or at least around the same time. So there goes that part of my argument.

But let's take a quick look at sporting history from 1930 (the year of the first World Cup) onward. Between 1930 and 1950, the U.S. qualifies for three out of four World Cups ('30, '34, '50... no Cups held during World War II, for obvious reasons). From here on out, it is, literally, four decades before the U.S. qualifies again (1990). In the intervening period, soccer makes exponential leaps in international popularity to easily become the world's most popular sport.

The FIFA World Cup is one of the few competitions outside of the Olympics that truly crowns a world champion. Imagine the hubris it takes for the NBA to say its Finals' winners are "world champions," especially when the U.S., while winning gold a decade ago, hasn't performed nearly as well in international competition as of late. And of course the NFL crowns a "world champion," since almost every attempt at creating a competing league, domestic or international, has been an abject failure (although I am still lookin' for a Rod Smart 'He Hate Me' jersey, if you got one for sale).

But I'll even forgive U.S. sports fans and the leagues for that. By and large, Americans don't care about what's happening outside their country anyway. Oh sure, after 9/11, everyone wanted to know more about the Middle East, but really? Not so much.

What I don't understand, though, is this sense of entitlement; that somehow the U.S. should beat all these countries who send star footballers to pro leagues all over the globe. I mean, fifteen of the 23 players on the Ghana Black Stars national team play for the big Euro leagues (Premiership, Serie A, Bundesliga), compared to 12 or 13 of the U.S. players. Okay, Donovan was on loan to the Bundesliga for like three months. That's great.

Look, I'm not trying to put down the U.S. team. I just think that we U.S. fans need to take a look at the big picture when it comes to our expectations of the team... something I've learned very well during my ongoing tenure as a Pitt basketball fan. When the whole damn city of Pittsburgh is crowing about how this is the year the Panthers make the Final Four... I usually have 'em going out by the Sweet 16 in my bracket.

Consider the following:

• Soccer is unlike almost any other sport, in that you need virtually no equipment to practice and play. You need a ball. Granted, amateur leagues and the pros wear pads and what-not, but you don't NEED those to practice or play. This means anyone in the whole world with a wide, flat space can ball.

• The U.S. qualifies for World Cups through CONCACAF, the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football. And aside from Mexico, Costa Rica and few select others, we qualify against such august competition as... Anguilla, the Bahamas, Jamaica, French Guiana, Cuba, and other nations who are... shall we say... not exactly known for footballin'.

Let me put it this way: Not counting the U.S. and Costa Rica, Mexico has qualified for more World Cups (14) than ALL THE OTHER CONCACAF TEAMS COMBINED (12). So let's not pretend we're beating the best of the best to make it in every four years.

Once again, let me stress: I am not putting down the U.S. squidder or its efforts. The group stage was fantastic to watch, and I was almost as excited during the Algeria win as I was during my first Steelers' Super Bowl win. And I doubt this diatribe, which can essentially be boiled down to "U.S. soccer isn't as good as everyone thinks" is going to convert many people to the beautiful game.

Hey, at least we're not England.

Sports vs. Athletics: A DP-Inspired Exploration

This morning on the Dan Patrick Show, DP and the Danettes rekindled a debate that has raged far and wide throughout the world of physical exertion and organized competition. It started with the announcement that Jimmie Johnson was being named AP's male Athlete of the Year, and the question was basically: what is a sport and what isn't?

The debate kicked into high gear when Paulie took exception to McLovin's assertion that NASCAR was definitely NOT a sport, or more specifically, that NASCAR drivers (and runners) aren't athletes.

I am somewhere between Paulie and George Carlin ("If there ain't a ball, it ain't a sport") on this. I've had this debate about any number of "sports" with any number of people, so without further ado, let's go one-by-one here:

For me, you have to distinguish between "sport" and "athletic activity," and for some reason, people who are relegated to the "athletic activity" seem to take it as a personal affront, even though some of the most physically-demanding activities (weight-lifting, running) belong in that category for me.

BASEBALL, FOOTBALL, SOCCER, BASKETBALL are SPORTS

These are all sports, mainly because they have a ball. You can throw hockey in here, too, because it's got a ball-substitute in the puck. Also, you have two teams competing against one another, with one team having the direct potential to affect the other team's chances of winning, which is also very important to me in qualifying something as a sport.

GOLF is an ACTIVITY

Yes, it has a ball. But if a 50-year-old can beat a 20-year-old at it, it's not a sport. Sorry, it's just not. Additionally, golf is primarily a competition against yourself. You can play golf by yourself. Can't do that with basketball, football, baseball, or hockey.

NASCAR is an ACTIVITY

Again, Paulie seems to have taken this part really personally; I agree that it takes tremendous physical stamina and baseball-caliber coordination to be a race-car driver, and they are indeed athletic. But you could say the same of a fighter pilot. I wouldn't call them an athlete. Another important consideration for NASCAR is that there is a machine involved. The human, unlike cycling, is not providing the sole source of power. And on that note...

CYCLING and RACING are ACTIVITIES

Great athletes? Yes, no doubt. Are they sports? No, they are not. Someone whose name escapes me once said, "Running is what you do to train for a sport," and I tend to agree with that. Doesn't mean that the world's fastest runner isn't a great athlete. Another of my important considerations for a sport is direct competition, along with having a chance to directly affect the opponent(s)' chance to win. Even in NASCAR, you can swap paint and cut off your opponents; can't do that in track and field.

Other SPORTS

• Volleyball

• Lacrosse

• Rugby

• Ultimate frisbee (that's right, I said frisbee is a sport and NASCAR isn't)

Other ACTIVITIES

• Cheerleading

• Bobsledding

• Skiing

• Snowboarding (most winter sports, let's say, in the interest of saving time)

I welcome any and all debate.

'Burgh Sports Wrap: Purple Jesus Throws Two Picks; Horn-Helmeted Christians Everywhere Weep...

Okay, so I predicted one pick-six too many in my Facebook prognostication. What can you do?

STEELERS

Skippy Reed owes Kieran Fox his reputation and place in Steeler history. If not for Fox's miraculous pick-six, 70-plus-yard touchdown return late in the fourth quarter, Skippy might have gone down as the second football player referred to as "our idiot kicker who got liquored up" and beat the shit out of a Sheetz towel dispenser.

Luckily, the memory of his junior-varsity-benchwarmer tackle attempt, on what could have been a cock-chopping, soul-crushing, permanent-momentum-changing touchdown runback, is now just kind of funny.

Even Brett Favre made a better attempt, when he "tried to tackle" LaMarr Woodley, and Skippy outweighs him by about 30 pounds. That's the real shame here. Jeff Reed is a BIG BOY, and he could have (and SHOULD have) made that tackle.
Don't give me that "he's the kicker" shit. He's a solid 220 lbs. The game's on the line. Put a hit on someone, byaatch.

That said, here's to the D for standing tall in the fourth quarter, even if they let Purple Jesus and Purple Jesus Jr. (Adrian Peterson) drive all the way inside the 10 before taking one to the house on 'em. I predicted Favre would have one of his patented triple-INT days, and I was one off. And the Steelers beat the spread. I'll take that.

The bad news is that the Vikes ate up a lot of clock, and looked reasonably good doing it most of the time. They're a good team, no question. But I'm very glad I don't have to hear Jared Allen woofin' about the Steelers. I like him, and he's a beast, but it wouldn't have been nearly as funny this week.

PENGUINS

Well, the one Pens game we missed was a loss. Oh well. I get it. Marty Brodeur is great. Two losses through Oct. 28? That's fine by me.

I recently made a return to watching hockey. I was never a huge fan before, but I do remember watching some Pens games, particularly the first Stanley Cup runs. But then during the playoffs one year, the Pens were interrupted by the OJ chase, and for some reason I never watched hockey again. OJ ruined hockey for me. I don't know how the logic works on that one, but fuckit.

Anyway, my girl got me back into it during the '07 playoffs, when the Pens lost to Detroit, and we watched all the Versus games, playoffs and Cup win last year, which was awesome, I have to say. As a recent hockey re-convert [and someone who really doesn't know much about hockey play or strategy], the Pens are really exciting to watch, most of the time. Right now it seems like they're still getting into a groove - I know, 8-2 is a pretty great groove already - but I'm talking about the high-octane scoring threat that kept pace with the Ovechkin Machine and rolled right over the Hurricanes... Malkin and Crosby firing on all cylinders. Malkin has showed a few little flashes of it, maneuvering right around people and setting up sick goals, but it's not on like Donkey Kong just yet.

Canadiens tonight... I was just watching some History Channel documentary about how the Cosa Nostra boss in Montreal had a huge share of the drug trade in NYC back in the day. How 'bout that, eh?

'Burgh Sports Wrap: Why I Told Yo' Ass to Watch Out for Daunte Culpepper!

Oh, Rashard... let's hope you can make it look this easy against a team that isn't 1-19 in their last 20 games...

STEELERS

"I wouldn't say I'm worried about Culpepper. Would rather have a rookie back there, though."

That was my boy's general feeling about Matthew Stafford rocking the backwards hat and the clipboard this week against the Steelers. I was a little more concerned, what with the whole "fourth-quarter meltdown" thing and Culpepper being a seasoned vet who dropped 30 pounds in the offseason and is STILL bigger than Big Ben.

My concern was justified.

Culpepper led multiple successful drives against the D this afternoon, and looked pretty damned good doing it, too. True, it wasn't enough to catch up to the Steelers, and wouldn't have been nearly enough without a bad pick-six giveaway to the Lions' defense.

I was glad to see they left Polamalu out for this game. They (mostly) didn't need him, and he can rest up another week and get stronger. I will give the D all the credit in the world on the Lions' final drive, though. They just piledrove the whole damn organization into the ground, and that was pretty great.

Browns up next. And while a conference game is always important, this one is almost crucial. They really need to catch up to the Bengals and Ravens, and Baltimore gets the Minnesota Brett Favres next week (oops, I mean the Vikings), so they could easily take a loss. That would be nice. 'Nati gets the Texans, which is basically a toss-up with a slight edge for the Bengals. I would say probably Bengals minus 4.5.

PENGUINS

We saw about three-quarters of the Pens-Flyers game before the streaming TV channel got shut down (sonofabitches...), and even though we had already seen plenty of scoring by that point, there was apparently a bunch more. After the lazy layabout that was the Coyotes game, it was nice to see the Pens hustle and get a nice win against the Philth. Then another high-scoring win, 5-2, against Toronto. Ottawa up next.