Friday Night Fights: Hockey Edition... a.k.a. New York Goes 'V for Vendetta' All Because Rick DiPietro is a Bitch

"NO ONE goes Tyson-versus-the-Black-Rhino

on OUR bitch-ass goalie!!"

I'm curious what the average New York Islander fan thinks of Fox Sports Pittsburgh's airing of "Friday Night Fights: Hockey Edition" this past weekend, an event otherwise known as the Pens-Islanders game.

My hope is that they would be embarrassed.

The Islanders launched an organized assault on the Pens, all in the name of revenge... and revenge for what? Revenge, basically, for Rick DiPietro being a slack-mouthed, glass-jawed bitch. DiPietro is better at getting injured than he is at goaltending, and if he really thought he and Brent Johnson were going to yuk-yuk-yuk it up at center ice after he clotheslined a Penguin with :16 left in the Feb. 2 game... well... then he deserved to get his face shattered.

On top of that, before the first-round bell rang on Friday, the Islanders were in the middle of putting a lopsided donut on the Pens. What better way to show up your opponent than to whitewash them? In fact, that possibility makes the Islanders' premeditated plan that much more idiotic. The plan should have been, "Okay, guys, if we get up early, don't be afraid to run up the score. Let them start some shit, and we can respond in kind."

I'm not even sure, though, that Maxime Talbot's concussive/questionable hit on Blake Comeau — which, along with the DiPietro KO, is what supposedly triggered Friday's revenga — deserves the thuggish-ruggish beatdown the Islanders attempted. They called up a Vick Mackey strike team of minor-league goons and went open season on the Pens, including career Neanderthal Mike Haley — you know, the guy who looks like an psychotic albino gorilla about to wallop Craig Adams in the most-publicized photo from the game.

Admittedly, I stopped watching the game when it was 4-0, so I had to watch the brawling on highlights. And I actually saw Mario Lemieux's statement prior to watching the highlights, so I thought initially that Mario was talking as much about the Pens as he was about the Islanders. Looking at it now, definitely not.

That's a little problematic for me, because Mario Lemieux employs Matt Cooke. Don't get me wrong. I love the Cookie Monster, but I'm not going to argue with anyone who says he can be a dirty player. But Matt Cooke has never tried to suckerpunch anyone like Martin tried to do Talbot. That was Bertuzzi-ish. That could have been a career-ender if Talbot doesn't catch it at the last second.

Maybe Mark Madden is right. Maybe it's time to ban fighting from the NHL. It's definitely time to do something more about blind-side hits and head-hunting. You fix that, and the only storyline for this rematch is whether Rick DiPietro's face looks like the end of Rocky I or IV.

Random Penguins Foolishness During What Was Ultimately a 4-3 Loss to the Minnesota Beavers


So my girl just happened to start recording on her cell right before the main man Pascal Dupuis a.k.a. Cavemanface a.k.a. 'ERRRRRRR!' scored a goal in the first period of what ultimately became an ugly 4-3 loss to the Minnesota Wild (hence the 'SLAPSHOTSCOREBY ERRRRRR!').

So without further ado, we present me screaming about Errrr, my girl singing a little Gary Glitter and basically a complete waste of your time.

'Burgh Sports Wrap: Purple Jesus Throws Two Picks; Horn-Helmeted Christians Everywhere Weep...

Okay, so I predicted one pick-six too many in my Facebook prognostication. What can you do?

STEELERS

Skippy Reed owes Kieran Fox his reputation and place in Steeler history. If not for Fox's miraculous pick-six, 70-plus-yard touchdown return late in the fourth quarter, Skippy might have gone down as the second football player referred to as "our idiot kicker who got liquored up" and beat the shit out of a Sheetz towel dispenser.

Luckily, the memory of his junior-varsity-benchwarmer tackle attempt, on what could have been a cock-chopping, soul-crushing, permanent-momentum-changing touchdown runback, is now just kind of funny.

Even Brett Favre made a better attempt, when he "tried to tackle" LaMarr Woodley, and Skippy outweighs him by about 30 pounds. That's the real shame here. Jeff Reed is a BIG BOY, and he could have (and SHOULD have) made that tackle.
Don't give me that "he's the kicker" shit. He's a solid 220 lbs. The game's on the line. Put a hit on someone, byaatch.

That said, here's to the D for standing tall in the fourth quarter, even if they let Purple Jesus and Purple Jesus Jr. (Adrian Peterson) drive all the way inside the 10 before taking one to the house on 'em. I predicted Favre would have one of his patented triple-INT days, and I was one off. And the Steelers beat the spread. I'll take that.

The bad news is that the Vikes ate up a lot of clock, and looked reasonably good doing it most of the time. They're a good team, no question. But I'm very glad I don't have to hear Jared Allen woofin' about the Steelers. I like him, and he's a beast, but it wouldn't have been nearly as funny this week.

PENGUINS

Well, the one Pens game we missed was a loss. Oh well. I get it. Marty Brodeur is great. Two losses through Oct. 28? That's fine by me.

I recently made a return to watching hockey. I was never a huge fan before, but I do remember watching some Pens games, particularly the first Stanley Cup runs. But then during the playoffs one year, the Pens were interrupted by the OJ chase, and for some reason I never watched hockey again. OJ ruined hockey for me. I don't know how the logic works on that one, but fuckit.

Anyway, my girl got me back into it during the '07 playoffs, when the Pens lost to Detroit, and we watched all the Versus games, playoffs and Cup win last year, which was awesome, I have to say. As a recent hockey re-convert [and someone who really doesn't know much about hockey play or strategy], the Pens are really exciting to watch, most of the time. Right now it seems like they're still getting into a groove - I know, 8-2 is a pretty great groove already - but I'm talking about the high-octane scoring threat that kept pace with the Ovechkin Machine and rolled right over the Hurricanes... Malkin and Crosby firing on all cylinders. Malkin has showed a few little flashes of it, maneuvering right around people and setting up sick goals, but it's not on like Donkey Kong just yet.

Canadiens tonight... I was just watching some History Channel documentary about how the Cosa Nostra boss in Montreal had a huge share of the drug trade in NYC back in the day. How 'bout that, eh?

'Burgh Sports Wrap: One-Fourth of the NFL Season is Already Gone, and I've Only Won the Pool Once...

Go 'head, Brent... too bad no one could score a single facking goal to back you up

PENGUINS

Admittedly, I've only seen one Pens game so far, and they had to go and lose it, 3-0. Although I'll also admit that my attitude going into it was, "The Phoenix Coyotes? What the fuck is a hockey team doing in a city that couldn't ever possibly have natural ice?" This, of course, is a vain hope in the modern NHL, with squidders in Florida and Cali. Anyway, turns out the 'Yotes are one of the fastest teams in the league, and it certainly looked that way last night. True, it's early in the season, and the Pens are 3-1, but it was kind of an ugly loss. I paid absolutely zero attention during the off-season, which led to blatant ignorance on my part about Scuderi and Big Hal Gill being gone. I also didn't know about this Brent Johnson cat. Can't really put the loss on him, though. There weren't any bad goals (hell, Prucha scored one flat on his back with his leg all bent backwards and shit!).

I'll certainly give 'em a few more games to gel, but the scoring lines are pretty much the same; they weren't getting it done last night. They were just giving the puck away time and again. Philly tonight... phuck the Phlyers.

STEELERS

I'll call this a satisfactory recovery from last week's testicle-shriveling loss to the Bungles, WHO LET THE GAWDDAMN BROWNS DROP 20 ON 'EM THIS PAST WEEKEND, BY THE WAY. San Diego is a decent team with hardly any D. I'm still not happy with where the defense is, but that can still be chalked up to Polamalu being gone. Hopefully they let him sit out the Lions game so he can come back full-strength two weeks from now. It was nice to see Mendenhall have a breakout game. Hate to say it, but I'd also like to see him replace Willie Pee if he keeps it up. I love me some Fast Willie, and I'll love him forever for Super Bowl XL, but since the injury he's just not the same. Not his fault, but Mewelde Moore has been nothing but good for this team since they picked him up, and a Mendenhall/Moore attack is a throwback to the Bettis/Random Third-Down Back Days (Oh you don't think so? Let's do the rundown: George Jones, Fred McAfee, Richard Huntley, Amos Zeroue, Chris Fu'amatu Ma'afala... that's just '97 to '99) when the Steelers ran it straight up everyone's cornhole every week.

This is actually about the best schedule you could hope for when it comes to a team that is having some defensive difficulties. Lions, Browns, Vikings, Broncos, Bengals again, then Chiefs. The Vikings are gonna be tough, but I'm convinced the wheels are gonna fall off Denver any week now. It's gonna suck playing the Ravens twice in less than 30 days, but there's still the Raiders (greatest Dan Patrick Show caller of all time: "Can JaMarcus Russell throw it 70 yards? Sure! Ain't nobody gonna catch it."), Dolphins, and another game against the Browns.

'Burgh Sports Wrap

Heath, you're like the ONE bright spot from this week... and Fast Willie P... in the first half... actually, the bright spot was Willie Colon going one entire Sunday without getting three holding penalties...

STEELERS
In the immortal words of Baltimore's Clay Davis, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit." You know, I felt bad when Kimo von Oelhoffen rolled up on Carson Palmer's ankle, too, but not bad enough to want the Cincinnati Bungles to actually get back on track.
 
The Bungles used to be just another cruel joke from the state of Ohio, which did college football great but just couldn't seem to get a grip on the pros. Now they're a reasonable threat in the AFC North, an apartment building where the Steelers are currently renting the sub-basement walkdown, by the way.
 
The worst part about this loss - since, let's face it, 1-2 is not the end of the world... 1-3 probably is - is that it was the DEFENSE that is mainly to blame. True, Ben's interception was ugly, but that's on Santonio, who was chugging up the sideline without even a glance back. Palmer, however, led two late-game drives where the Bengals' running game just stomped all over the D line, enough to set up a decent passing attack. James Farrior looked like a shell of his former self in the fourth quarter, and the D is really showing how badly they need Polamalu back. Apparently he covers up a lot of mistakes.
 
PIRATES
Fuck me. Of course the Pirates would start winning games (over the Dodgers, 11-1 today, Jesus Christ!) when it doesn't even matter anymore. Yeah, it's funny to see the Buccos staving off L.A.'s division-winning game, but really, when you're like 30 games under .500 again (and by "again," I mean "for roughly the 17th straight season"), who gives a shit?
 
TAMPA BAY BUCS
Okay, so this wouldn't normally be included in the 'Burgh sports wrap, except for an update on The Greatest Back-Up Quarterback in the NFL, Byron Leftwich, who booked after last year's Super Bowl win to become a starter and instead became the first starter to get yanked this season (I think he beat out Brady Quinn by just a few minutes) during the Bucs' 24-0 curb-stomping, courtesy of the Giants. I really, REALLY liked the Steelers' acquisition of Leftwich last season. He was a great back-up, and I was hoping he would settle into that role. Can't blame him too much for cashing in when his value was super-high, but he's really falling flat on his face in Tampa Bay. It's too bad.
 
PENGUINS
Fuck the Versus channel. Or, more accurately, fuck Comcast, who won't let DirecTV broadcast Versus, thus preventing us from seeing the precious few regular-season Pens games we get down here. I'll be damned if I'm buying the DirecTV hockey package. The football package is already bleeding me dry...