...In Which I Lay Waste to VH1's Pathetic '100 Greatest Artists of All Time' List...

According to VH1, out of 200 modern musicians surveyed, this is not, I repeat, NOT, one of the 100 greatest artists of all time. Seriously.

I shouldn't have watched it. I knew it would only upset me. But I had to. In a supposed survey of 200 modern musicians, VH1 attempted to compile its list of "The 100 Greatest Artists of All Time." Now, I'll be the first to say this is something that should be separated out by genre, especially once you starting getting into the top 15. There are too many great musicians in individual fields and too many apples-to-oranges comparisons to make it legit. (how the hell are you supposed to compare Jay-Z to the Rolling Stones?)

But VH1 tried. And failed. Miserably.

Here's a link to the list. I'll hit some of the highlights/lowlights and give my thoughts on various facets of the list.

To start, let's note right off the top that THERE ISN'T A SINGLE FUCKING JAZZ MUSICIAN ON THE ENTIRE LIST. That's right. No Miles Davis. No John Coltrane. One of the few forms of music that was truly invented in America is not represented IN ANY WAY on this list. I should also mention that there is not a single blues musician. No Robert Johnson, no Muddy Waters, no Howlin' Wolf. According to VH1, it makes no difference that if it weren't for those guys, there would be no Rolling Stones or Led Zeppelin, two of the top five on the list.

Christ on a cracker. On to the shame of it all...

Let's start with Category #1: Artists Who Should Absolutely Not Be On The List. That includes Depeche Mode (98), Journey (96), ABBA (81?! Are you fucking kidding me?!??), and Def Leppard (70 — we all get it, alright, it's hard to drum with one arm).

Moving on to Category #2: Artists Who Should Be Way Lower On the List. That includes U2 (19 — this is more of a personal opinion, but I think U2 might be the most overrated Bigtime Rock Band ever), AC/DC (23), Radiohead (29), The Police (40), Kiss (56 — and to be honest, Kiss is flirting with Category #1), and Pink Floyd (18 — I love me some "Dark Side of the Moon," but "The Wall" is probably the most overrated rock album of all time).

This one isn't really a category, but there's no fucking way Elvis should be higher on this list than Chuck Berry. And the only reason he is, is because record mogul Sam Phillips "wanted to bring African-American music to a wider audience," which of course means, "doing it without an actual black guy."

Category #3: Artists Who Should Be Way Higher On the List. This includes the Beastie Boys (89 — they should be at least as high as Run DMC at 76 or Jay-Z at 47), Curtis Mayfield (84), Otis Redding (68), Parliament-Funkadelic (49), Johnny Cash (35), The Band (85) and Aretha Franklin (27)

Category #4: Artists Inexplicably and Inexcusably Left Off the List. The following artists amazingly do not appear on the list at all: The Allman Brothers, the Grateful Dead, Paul Simon/Simon & Garfunkel, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, the Stanley Brothers, Fela Kuti, Booker T & the MGs, the Funk Brothers (okay, they were a backup band, but they backed up EVERY SINGLE MOTOWN ARTIST), MF Doom, Peter Tosh, Snoop Dogg, Lee "Scratch" Perry, Eric Clapton (although Cream made it at 61, so technically he's in... I've never been a huge Clapton fan, but he damn sure should be on here over AC/DC, the Velvet Underground, and Guns'n'Roses), Robert Johnson, and Dr. Dre.

Category #5: The Top Ten. Let's go through them one-by-one with commentary, shall we:

• #10 — Stevie Wonder — You get no argument from me there.

• #9 — James Brown — Ditto.

• #8 — Elvis — I reiterate, if you're going to put Elvis here, you have to put the man he stole rock'n'roll from at least one step above, cultural significance or not.

• #7 — Prince — Never been a huge Prince fan, but he did turn R&B and funk on its head in his own, very unique way.

• #6 — Jimi Hendrix — No problem with that. Hendrix did things with a guitar that no mortal man should be able to do.

• #5 — Bob Dylan — Probably should be #2 at the worst. Definitely should be above...

• #4 — Rolling Stones — Again, if you're not going to put blues masters like Johnson and Waters on this list, how are you going to include the group that owes its entire career to them? I love the Rolling Stones, but that just straight-up doesn't make sense.

• #3 — Led Zeppelin — Works for me.

• #2 — Michael Jackson — OK.

• #1 — The Beatles — Correct.

Taking into account that this is complete personal preference, my separated lists would probably go thusly, at least the first few entries:

• Rock: Beatles at the top, then Dylan, followed by, in no particular order, the Grateful Dead, the Allmans, Hendrix, Chuck Berry, a begrudging nod to Elvis, Zeppelin, Springsteen, Stones

• R&B/Soul/Funk: Michael Jackson, James Brown, Marvin Gaye, Curtis Mayfield, Stevie Wonder, Prince, the Funk Brothers, Aretha Franklin, Parliament-Funkadelic, Fela Kuti

• Hip-Hop: Run DMC, Beastie Boys, MF Doom, Snoop Dogg/Dr. Dre (they should probably be packaged up, since together they basically ushered in the gangsta-rap era), Nas, Jay-Z, Biggie, Tupac

The Rest of the Weekend: Old E Allstars' Set Break & the Graham Jam

Thursday was just the warmup. During the Old E Allstars' break at Thunderbird Café on Friday, I got to play a mini-set that was supposed to be me and the Old E lead singer Kyle. Unfortunately, trying to mic a plain old acoustic guitar so you can actually hear it in a crowded rock club is not very easy. So it ended up being a quick little solo set where I got another chance to test out "Strange Moon."

Then on Saturday night it was the Graham Jam in memory of Graham Austin, where the set went well and — if I hadn't been out until 3 a.m. the night before at Thunderbird — I would have gladly stayed all night.

Click here to stream/download both sets, courtesy of Archive.org.

2/3/12 Thunderbird Café, Pittsburgh, Pa.:

Floating Bridge (J. Estes)

Strange Moon*

Feelin' Alright (S. Winwood)

Jack Straw (Dead)

2/4/12 Graham Jam, Gateway Inn, Gibsonia, Pa.:

Strange Moon*

Floating Bridge (J. Estes)

Sign on the Window (Dylan)

Feelin' Alright (S. Winwood) >

Alligator (Dead) >

Shakedown Street (Dead)

Down in the Flood (Dylan)

*Original

128 Oz. of Haterade: Rundown, Vol. 2

Well... I know this blog has a little bit of readership in the Philly area, and I don't want to alienate any readers, so I won't go off on a tangent about Scott Hartnell and his fake-ass-drip-drip jheri curl, and really the entire Flyers squad, ruining my trip to the Penguins' home opener last night. Just want to drop a few quick reviews on some local Pittsburgh hip-hop talent, along with other records that are making their way through the current rotation:

• Vinny Radio, The Foundation/Slim Stario, A Star is Born - I highly recommend checking out both of these free mixtapes by Pittsburgh MCs. Vinny Radio rocks more uptempo, bouncy tracks, mainly supplied by producer P. Fish, to pair with his baritone flow, while Slim Stario slows things down with a heavier, grittier feel. Click on the links above to download both free albums.

• Dave Holland Octet, Pathways - You can't argue with a bass player who's gigged with Miles Davis and Herbie Hancock, just to name two. England son Dave Holland has put in more than four decades of work, and it shows in the shifty tempos of his compositions, whether they're by way of his quartets, quintets, or big-band arrangements. His latest octet record, Pathways, continues that tradition of excellence in a live setting, whether it's the burbling, chunky bass-walk that begins "How's Never?" or the lilting swing that rides through "Sea of Marmara." For me, what makes Holland's band so appealing is the inclusion of vibraphonist/marimbist (is that last one a word? Not sure) Steve Nelson, whose limber lines snake through the melody in all the best ways.

• Soulive, Rubber Soulive - Soulive has yet to release an album that I don't like. If there was going to be one, I was initially concerned that a record of Beatles covers might be it. It's not. You never heard "Revolution" be as funky as this. The audio clarity is a little muddy at times, but it's a solid set of Fab Four covers that James Brown would be proud of.

• Boog Brown & Apollo Brown, Brown Study - Apollo Brown already impressed me with The Reset. This set of tunes with female MC Boog Brown is just as good. Unfortunately, it's all too rare to find a high-quality female MC, but Boog definitely fits the bill.

128 Oz. of Great-orade: 'Jazz Young Spirit,' by Various Artists

When I was in high school, my mother bought me a copy of the Afro-Cuban Allstars' A Toda Cuba Le Gusta, with fantastic tracks like "Maria Caracoles" and "Los Sitio Asere." It got me into Cuban jazz in a big way, branching out into Ruben Gonzalez and Ibrahim Ferrer records and even a fantastic LP whose name I still am not 100 percent sure of. I believe it's Ska Cubano.

Anyway, not since I first threw on the A.C. Allstars has a Latin jazz record grabbed my attention like this showcase of ten young musicians, despite the negligible mid-'80s bad-tie-abstract artwork on the cover.

The predominantly Cuban musicians (not everyone... Charly Sarduy is from Spain, Esperanza Spalding from Jersey City, N.Y.) rip into nearly every tune. Sarduy's "Charly en la Habana" starts off as light, uptempo funk before blasting off into chunky polyrhythms; breathy scatting intermingles with twitchy piano and percussion on "Loro," with a coda that sounds almost like a spacey Grateful Dead improv session, Spalding's vocals taking the place of Jerry Garcia. And the simple piano-and-congas combo on Marialys Pacheco's "Intro" sounds like the best song on a great '70s action-movie soundtrack.

Puerto Rico's Yasek Manzano shifts meters and slows things down a little on the abstracted, bouncy "Amnios," in addition to creating a hazy, tropical-jungle atmosphere on "Drume Negrita."

This is an out-of-control-great Latin jazz compilation.

• More on Jazz Young Spirit (you can also order it, but this is a German website, where you're ordering in Euros... don't know if it's commercially available in the U.S.)

Musical Country of the Year 2009: Ethiopia

"Only Ethiopia protect we from the cold..." - Buju Banton

Yes I. This year's musical country of the year takes us back to the cradle of civilization. I have to give it up to Ethiopia, primarily because of four things: Ras G, KenLo, the Heliocentrics and Oh No's sophomore beat record, Ethiopium.

The first two were beatmakers who I really got into this past year. Both create a wavering, dusty-but-digital sound that feeds off of J. Dilla but throws in a heavy dash of electronic, ambient noise and static.

Ras G is definitely the dustier of the two, whipping up a muddy, frazzled electric brand of hip-hop on the excellent Beats of Mind. KenLo's fourth Craqnuques volume, Orange, is high-flying, future-soul hip-hop, skittering and blipping back and forth. He also teamed up with like-minded producer VLooper for two quality volumes of Bullesbubbles instrumentals (all of them are available for free, by the way, via KenLo and VLoopers' MySpace pages).

And Oh No crafted some nasty bangers on Ethiopium. I was impressed at what he was able to do with Turkish records last time around, so giving him access to a back catalog of Ethiopian funk and jazz (just having access to the Ethiopiques series alone would be worth it) could only have resulted in fire.

And on top of all this, jazz-funk outfit the Heliocentrics collaborated with Ethiopian pianist Mulatu Astatke on probably my favorite release of the bunch, Inspiration Information, a shit-hot set of tense grooves augmented by Malcolm Catto's neck-snap drumming and the Heliocentrics' knob-tweaking atmospherics.

So here's to Ethiopia, baby!