Taking On Empire Online's '100 Greatest Movie Characters'

Great villain. Best all-time and No. 2 overall

when you include good guys? Debatable.

I love lists like this, because they're entirely subjective. Movies mean infinitely different things to different people. While most of us could agree that Darth Vader is handily among the top 10 movie villains of all time, a random fanboy could make a persuasive argument that some even-more-random creature at the Mos Eisley saloon is the greatest of all time based on his personal life experience.

Okay, it wouldn't persuade me. To the nitpicking! And special thanks to the way Empire Online structured the list so you can easily move from No. 22 to No. 87 in one click. None of that "Previous/Next" bullsh*t:

No. 100 — Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), Lethal Weapon — Looking back on it now, the only thing the wild-eyed, impulsive Riggs was missing is the anti-Semitism. Throw that in, and Riggs is less of a comedic foil and more of a prophet.

No. 95 — Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), Nightmare on Elm Street — I'm not a big fan of the Freddy or Jason movies, but he should be higher than 95 on this list.

No. 93 — Martin Blank (John Cusack), Grosse Pointe Blank — See, again, I would put him much higher on this list. Then again, I don't have a great knowledge of films made prior to 1970. That's the other thing that makes these lists so subjective. The art-school film-buff's list is going to be vastly different from the average working-class 30-something's list. From Grosse Pointe on, Cusack has sort of played this character over and over again — the stammering, under-his-breath-hilarious, nervous guy — but his casual approach to murder and his chemistry with everyone else in the cast keeps this flick in my top ten all-time comedies list. My favorite meme? "Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop! Popcorn!"

No. 90 — Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton), Wizard of Oz — Notable mainly for this Cracked.com article, in which the writer correctly asserts that the supposedly-'Wicked' Witch was really just trying to get justice for her sister's savage house-bludgeoning at the hands of some dumb hick from Kansas, who then proceeded to rob the corpse.

No. 88 — Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit — Would you like to find something out that will forever change your opinion of this character, as well as compound your masturbatory guilt? She was voiced by Kathleen Turner. That screaming sound you hear is your penis ("WE WERE TRIIIIIIIIIIICKED!").

No. 69 — Keyser Soze (f*ck the people who ruin this movie for first-timers, The Usual Suspects) — One of the best movie endings ever. Great crime movie, great cast. Great. But again, I'd put this higher on my list.

No. 68 — Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder, Napoleon Dynamite) — F*ck this movie. For real.

No. 63 — Wall-E (Wall-E) — If he wasn't a complete rip-off of Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, he might make my top 100. Not at No. 63, though.

No. 60 — Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective) — I can recite this whole movie. "Somethin' ain't stirrin' the Kool-Aid, Ace..." Tone Loc deserved a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for that sh*t.

No. 55 — Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen, The Naked Gun) — Lenny Briscoe wishes he was half as cool as Lt. Frank Motherf*ckin' Drebin. And Lenny Briscoe was pretty damned cool.

No. 50 — Captain Quint (Robert Shaw, Jaws) — The book is better than the movie, but even Peter Benchley can't match the creeping horror when Quint tells his story of surviving the USS Indianapolis disaster. With a smile on his face.

No. 35 — Maximus Decimus Meridius (Russell Crowe, Gladiator) — My wife makes fun of me because on rare occasions, a movie will cause me to tear up a little. I'm man enough to admit that this is one of them.

No. 21 — Michael Corleone (Al Pacino, Godfather movies) — While my stereotypical idea of the Mafia has been shattered by the excellent movie and even-better book, Gomorrah, Michael Corleone remains one of the towering figures of movie crime. Watching Michael go from mildly tolerant of the family business to head of the family business (and the family) is something to behold. I would disagree with Empire on his "Finest Hour." For me, it's in Cuba at the Superman porn show, where Michael discovers what his brother Fredo has been up to.

No. 19 — Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson, Pulp Fiction) — What makes Jules Winnfield so great is that he's absurdly profound. When some dumbass comes around the corner, guns blazing, and doesn't hit either of them, he takes it as a sign from God. He waxes Biblical and philosophical with a gun pointed in Tim Roth's grill. My father says there's "no one to root for" in Pulp Fiction. I root for Jules.

No. 16 — Neo (Keanu Reeves, The Matrix trilogy) — The greatness of the Matrix movies (well, the first one at least) is their mythology, not Keanu Reeves. His delivery is dead lead weight, the action is CGI... I mean really, you can probably think of a half-dozen people to play that role who would have done just as well. I think Harold Perrineau would have done great as Neo, but no... Morpheus is the only brother who even managed to get himself off the ship. In the immortal words of Deadspin, "DAS RAYCESS!!"

No. 12 — John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard movies) — "Welcome to the party, pal!" Indeed. No one wants to go actor-for-actor with Alan Rickman, especially not a young actor making his transition from TV to the movies. Bruce Willis was a household name after the first Die Hard. Kudos.

No. 11 — James Bond (Sean Connery, James Bond movies) — James Bond is for my grandma. I'm firmly in the Jason Bourne camp when it comes to international spy/assassin intrigue.

No. 8 — Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean movies) — Nos. 2 and 3 are a little bloated, but the deft, daft'n'dandy Cap'n Jack might surpass Hunter S. Thompson as my favorite Depp character.

No. 7 — The Dude (Jeff Bridges, The Big Lebowski) — This is my No. 1. I could watch this movie every single day and never get tired of it. It's great that John Goodman's epic Walter Sobchak also made the Empire list — I might even put "The Jesus" near the bottom of my Top 100, being as it's probably the greatest John Turturro character of all time — but The Dude will always abide.

No. 1 — Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt, Fight Club) — This is the rare movie that can go toe-to-toe with the book, and Pitt did a sick job bringing the male id to frenetic, chaotic life, but I wouldn't have it in my top spot. You could make a pretty good argument that Edward Norton is just as good or better than Pitt in the film.

The most notable snub, for me, is Edward Norton as reformed skinhead Derek in American History X. The film gets some criticism for taking shortcuts and there was also the controversy where director Tony Kaye wanted his name removed, alleging that Norton did too much post-production (a rumor that would surface again when Norton starred in the way-too-soon Hulk remake), but it's still a solid film and a fantastic performance.

Tonight's Setlist: Books & Beans, Leechburg, Pa., 4/28/11

What's happening in this picture? Well, chances are good

that I'm throwing something at Bob and Joe that we

didn't do in rehearsal. I did that a lot.

For the first time, I was able to get a recent performance recorded. It's an audience recording with a Sony handheld recorder, but it turned out better than I was expecting. Check it out and download it for free at Archive.org.

Set I (Joe on percussion):

Hearts & Bones (P.Simon)

Crazy Fingers (Dead)

You Can Keep It*

Althea (Dead)

Fast Train (S. Burke) >

Breadbox (N. Buffalo) >

Fast Train

New Speedway Boogie (Dead) >

The Other One (Dead) >

Smokestack Lightning (H. Wolf) >

New Speedway Boogie

Eyes of the World# (Dead) >

Trio Drum Jam#

Set II (Joe on keys):

New Mexican Shuffle*

I'll Take a Melody (A. Toussaint)

Scarlet Begonias (Dead)

Big RxR Blues (N. Lewis)

All Along the Watchtower (Dylan)

Quite a Night (in Spain)*

Rain Song No. 3*

Row Jimmy (Dead)

Throwing Stones (Dead)

Feelin' Alright (S. Winwood)

*Original

#Features a random conversation from a couple people who wandered too close to the handheld

The set features Joe Sheehan on percussion (Set I) and keys (Set II) and Bob DiCola on percussion. This was the first time we've played together, outside of a few hours of rehearsal two weeks ago.

An Interesting Social Experiment

...but not really.

I'm a pretty even-keeled guy. I don't get angry very often. But the one place where I find myself getting angry the most is in the car. George Carlin once said about driving, "Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you on the road is 'an idiot'? And anyone driving faster than you makes you say, 'WHOOOA, LOOK AT THAT MANIAC!'" That comes pretty close to describing my attitude toward other drivers. I hate almost everyone's driving except my own. I hate riding in the car with other people. I've been with my wife for nearly seven years, and I'm just now getting used to her driving.

But I'm not a speeder. I'm not an aggressive driver, per se. I'm just very aggressive about other people's driving, because holy hell, people do some mind-bendingly stupid things behind the wheel. And I'm not talking about doing your makeup or reading the paper, I'm talking about stupid, traffic-related decisions. I'm talking about waiting until you're entering an intersection to flip your turn signal... I'm talking about crossing two lanes when you merge and going 15 under the speed limit in the passing lane... I'm talking about stopping 25 feet behind the next car at a light and blocking every car behind you from making a right on red...

...and I'm talking about the assumption that everyone just rolls through stop signs.

Now again, I have been known to do a little California Rolling from time to time, but when I'm coming up behind someone at a stop sign, I don't assume they're going to do likewise. Just try this sometime: For a whole day, make a full stop — you know, the one you're legally required to make — at all stop signs, and just observe the baseless rage in the driver behind you. I did it all day today, and I wasn't a dick about it. I didn't stop for three seconds or anything like that. I came to a full stop, glanced both ways, and went.

Almost to a tee, every single driver's car lurched from having to hit their brakes.

Some people's reaction makes you think they're actually going to come in the door at their house complaining like it ruined their day: "Jesus, honey, you shoulda seen what this a**hole did on Eighth Avenue. He STOPPED at the stop sign. The f*cking NERVE!"

You can accuse me of being a petulant jerk, but let's just step back and take a look at the situation. All I did today was make the same full stop the state policeman had you do in your driver's test. Actually, I probably didn't even do that, because I barely glanced both ways, I mostly just used my peripheral vision. And that was enough to piss people off. Badly.

It just struck me as interesting.

Dead Album Night with theCAUSE: 4/9/11, Moondog's, Blawnox, Pa.

"Lotta poor man got the Cumberland blues..."

Saturday was the first time I've been to Moondog's, in Blawnox. You can tell as soon as you walk in that it's one of those venues a ton of people have played before. It's got that well-worn blues-bar feel to it, great setting for live music, if not necessarily for a show that gets people moving like theCAUSE.

"Album night" was a blast, and not just because I predicted Workingman's Dead as the first album they'd play. It worked out on two fronts, actually, since not only is it my favorite Dead studio album, it's also the only one my father owns. He and my mother were in attendance, and I was concerned that he might lose interest if he didn't know any of the songs, but he recognized "Uncle John's Band" right off the bat, and I could tell he was into it. He's a huge fan of the guitar solo off of Southside Johnny & the Asbury Jukes song "Hearts of Stone" since, in his words, Dante Silvio — sorry, Little Steven Van Zandt — "just makes his guitar cry, and it fits so well with the song lyrics." Well, that description right there is the definition of Jerry Garcia guitar playing. Pappy Weingrad from theCAUSE has the unenviable task of trying to emulate Jerry AND Bob Weir simultaneously, but he does a fine job, and he's certainly nailed down the clear, cutting plaintive tone of Garcia's guitar.

The band was in a nice groove right from the funky opening jam that led into "Uncle John's Band." Parts of "New Speedway Boogie" were blasting off into the atmosphere... or at least I thought so, until Pappy and bass player Dave Tauberg took "Cumberland Blues" into hyperdrive, a jam I'm pretty sure single-handedly converted my mother into a Deadhead. She was stomping her foot so hard I thought she was going to aggravate her scoliosis.

We didn't stick around for the whole second set album — Skull & Roses, which is, I believe, culled from several 1972 shows — but a jam that led from "Playing in the Band" into "The Other One" had me flashing back to the Furthur concert a couple weeks ago.

Ultimately, "Album Night" is a little limiting, because it forces the band's hand in constructing a setlist that flows. If someone comes up with a great, spontaneous musical idea to transition into a song... it better be the next song on the album. That made for a couple of moderately awkward transitions, but it's still the best five bucks I spent all weekend.

Concert Review: Furthur, 3/30/11, Petersen Events Center, Pgh., Pa.

"A little bit further than you've gone before..."

Hell of a show, aside from a strange bit of business where, during the set break, some kid right outside our section apparently, according to news accounts:

1) Got into a three-point stance;

2) Yelled, "HIKE!";

3) Ran straight through an inch-thick double-pane glass window and fell about 30 feet down to the sidewalk

The Furthur shows I've been listening to at Archive.org and Livedownloads.com have been good, but now that this group has been together for a year or so, they're really starting to gel. My boy always asks me to guess the first song, and with this tour, I had no clue; the setlists have run through the whole Dead catalog, and branched out in all kinds of crazy cover directions.

Set I:

Feel Like a Stranger

'Til the Morning Comes

Loose Lucy

Pride of Cucamonga

Big River

Althea

Colors of the Rain >

Mason's Children

Set II:

Estimated Prophet >

Eyes of the World >

I Know You Rider

Golden Slumbers >

Carry That Weight >

The End (tease) >

The Wheel >

So Many Roads >

The Other One >

Caution (Do Not Stop on Tracks) >

Gimme Some Lovin'

E: Brokedown Palace

Earlier in the evening, I was talking about one of the NYC shows, where the band blasted through the entire B side of Abbey Road, so I was singing "Golden Slumbers" at the top of my lungs. The blues break in "Pride of Cucamonga" is also a personal favorite. One of the friends who came to the show said he thought Bobby Weir is definitely leading the band, and that might be true... John Kadlecik is filling the Jerry role admirably, but it wouldn't surprise me if he's still a little humbled at playing alongside the guys he's been playing tribute to in Dark Star Orchestra all these years. Anyway, back to Weir—he may be leading the band, but they've definitely taken some cues from Phil when it comes to the jams and transition between songs. The transitions aren't quite as nimble as Phil & Friends, but the band sounds more like the Grateful Dead than any other post-Garcia incarnation.

Thus the debate rages: Furthur or Phil & Friends? For my money, the main Phil & Friends lineup, from 2000-'03, is the greatest of the post-Garcia groups. They were so versatile, so nimble, and just so ass-kicking. They did the whole Dead catalog, they did southern rock thanks to Haynes and Herring, and then every once in a while, just for kicks, they'd break out into some Miles Davis...

[A quick side note, speaking of Miles... any possible way you get a hold of show recordings from the Allman Bros. March 2011 run at the Beacon Theatre... DO IT. They are EPIC. Derek Trucks is channeling Duane Allman almost as good as Duane Allman did. One of the shows I have opens with a jam that turns into "Spanish Key" off of 'Bitches Brew'...]

...then again, Furthur, as I mentioned, sounds the most like the original Dead. Even the backup singers fit in. When I saw The Dead at Bonnaroo in 2003, the music was good, but the band just didn't gel too well. Joan Osborne just sounded way out of place. But this band has found its stride.

A FEW 'FURTHUR' NOTES:

• The kid who jumped out the window died from his injuries. The tox report is pending — I'm hoping he was just really drunk. It would reflect poorly on responsible faced concertgoers everywhere if he was tripping too hard and freaked out.

• Saw the drummer for theCAUSE outside the main gate.

• A couple song notes: What I presume is a new original, "Colors of the Rain," was pretty great. The only song I liked better in the first set was a hazy, spacey "Althea."

• There are advantages and disadvantages to having only one drummer in a Grateful Dead band. In a group like Dark Star Orchestra or theCAUSE, a lot of the songs and jams take on a '72-'74 feel, when it was just Kreutzmann drumming (with DSO, of course, it depends what year they're playing)... Joe Russo went the opposite route, working overtime all night and pretty much doing the work of two drummers. The result was a heady cross between that early-'70s Dead sound and the harder-swinging rock of Phil & Friends.

• The guitar filter Bobby uses, that sounds kind of annoying on the Furthur recordings, doesn't come across that way all in concert. With that said...

• ...the Petersen looks great, but it doesn't sound all that great. We were on the first level off the floor, to the left of the stage, and there was a fair amount of echo off the back wall. You also can't escape the fact that, at the end of the day, the Pete is a gigantic gym, with metal-girder rafters that don't help the soundman at all. It's like a mini-Gund-Arena, the venue where I once spent two-and-a-half hours listening The Hazy Echo of The Dave Matthews Band. My buddy went onto the floor during the second set, and he said the sound was a little better down there.

• A tough time: The guy from the event staff whose official job was "Stand Outside the Police Tape and Keep 5,423 People From Taking Cell Phone Pictures." That guy was having a rough night:

GUY: "Hey man, can you delete that, please?"

RANDOM HIPPIE #1: "Uh... okay..."

GUY: [Walks over] "Can I maybe watch you delete it?" [walks briskly to Random Hippie #2 and th same conversation ensues... this goes on for about 25 straight minutes until the second set gets going]

Pittcon, The Final Day: An Evening With Perry President

So... it's 11:45 p.m. last night, and I'm not about to drink a warm can of Coke. I snatch my room key, and as I'm heading out the hotel door I have a brief thought: "Y'know, maybe you should just throw the flip-flops on." I pause for a second.

"Naaaaah. I got my key, what could go wrong?"

So I get my ice, head back, slide my card in, aaaaaaand... nothing. It's not working. And I don't mean like, flashing-red not-working... I mean, NO LIGHTS FLASHING AT ALL not-working.

Faaaaaaaack.

So it's down to the lobby with no shoes or socks on. The night security manager sees this and already knows exactly what the problem is. "Locked out your room, sir?" Yes... yes, I am. I explain the no-lights thing, and they make me a new key. "Do you have ID, sir?" No, no I don't. I have ice. See? Here's the bucket. No ID.

So the security manager, whose name is Perry President (awesome) accompanies me upstairs with the new room card, to let me in, double-check my ID and be on his way. He slides the new key into the door, aaaaaaand.... no lights. I see a look on Perry President's face that concerns me greatly. He says, half to himself, "This is gon' be bad."

Yes.... yes, it is.

So for the next 45 minutes, me and Mr. President shoot the sh*t while maintenance comes up and DRILLS THE HINGES OFF MY DOOR. I learned about his time in the post office ("They had a military mentality in there, man, half the employees were ex-military, and a bunch of them guys were in Vietnam... they were some loose cannons, man, that's why so many of them went 'postal'..."), his impressions of Atlanta ("I'm from New York City, man, and here... I don't know, it seems like they're just tryin' to be New York") and other lovely nuggets of wisdom, and soon enough I was back in my room.

Never so happy to go to sleep....

Cruisin' in the A-T-LLLLLLL: Pittcon, Day 1

Seriously, this is one crazy-ass hotel...

So far, I'm a big fan of Atlanta. Centennial Park is really neat, and you can't argue with 72 and sunny in mid-March, especially if you're from Pittsburgh. I'll take that six days a week and twice on Sunday. Not to mention that the Atlanta Marriott Marquis is one crazy-ass hotel. It's laid out like an H.R. Giger drawing, only with much-brighter colors and no weird mechanical fetuses or aliens.

Pittcon has also been going well. No major SNAFUs except for the food-service people not cleaning up THE BIGGEST FOOD LAYOUT OF THE WHOLE DAY because "the door was locked and we didn't know what to do." Uh... how about you ask the people next door... you know, THE ONES WITH THE KEYS? Doesn't matter, though. Turns out several pub-staff members and a few volunteer media members can break down a room faster AND better than the food-service staff.

There is a pretty severe lack of shows coming to the ATL this week. I was pretty geeked up at the possibility of seeing a band at the historic Fox Theatre, but naturally this is the only week of the entire MONTH where there's literally nothing there. Oh well.

Another thing I've learned is that, with my massive, glorious beard, a lot of Atlantans think I'm Zac Brown, from the Zac Brown Band. Fine by me. I'll happily be mistaken for a country-rock star who included the tremendous lyric "And I told him lick my sack" on his latest album.