Thursday, January 29, 2009

Another of the Greatest Scenes Ever

This sketch is from the first season of A Bit of Fry & Laurie, the show that got Hugh Laurie famous way before he was the biggest dick to ever not wear a stethoscope. The whole first season is hilarious, but this is my favorite of all the 'overly conservative Englishmen' sketches.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

One of the Greatest Scenes Ever

All I do is destroy myself laughing every time I watch this. Kevin Hart's "clapped-up" gesture is what really makes it. This by itself could stand alone, outside of the movie, as one of the most hilarious sketches ever. I can only imagine Malco and Hart trying to make it through.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Steelers vs. Ravens: Bring On More Birds, Please

Troy Polamalu: To the House, Bitches...

Oh, it's a beautiful thing. Even without The Most Hated Man in Baltimore, Hines Ward, the Steelers managed to outslug the Marlo Stanfield mob (whoops I mean the Ravens) for a second trip in four years back to the Super Bowl. 

I really don't think it gets any sweeter than beating Ray Lewis and the Ravens to go back to the big dance. Every time they make the playoffs, Lewis starts talking shit like it's divine providence that this will finally be the Ravens' year again. After Willis McGahee got laid-the-fuck-out (more on that later), CBS shot to the sidelines, and there's Ray Lewis, prayin' like a motherfucker and not raising his head for three straight minutes. Honestly, I thought him and Terrell Suggs might go back out on the field and start some Last Boy Scout shit, but no.

My take on the game:

Joe Flacco ain't no joke. He might have crumpled under the pressure, but I mean damn, he was going up against the only defense better than his own. My hope now is that Suggs takes a big payday from another team in the offseason (he's a free agent; Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, too, I think)
Limas Sweed is the new Dwight Stone(hands). I'm not sure if he thought he was going to garner sympathy by just laying in the end zone after dropping a pass my little sister could have hauled in (she knows enough to keep her eyes on the fucking ball), but he gets none from me. Luckily, he laid out Corey Ivy better than your local funeral director with a fantastic block in the fourth quarter to make up for it.
• I didn't know Mewelde Moore was a little hobbled, but that's good; it's the only excuse I'll accept for leaving Willie Parker out there play after play (Some random ESPN commentator: "Parker was gonna get 100 yards on 99 carries"). Hopefully they'll be able to balance the run game a little better against Weezy and the Cardinals.
• Speaking of Weezy, gotta hand it to the Cardinals. Not for beating the Eagles (in the immortal words of Pittsburgh media personality Guy Junker, "A Philly team choking is not news."), but for getting that franchise into the big game, period. Larry Fitzgerald worries me. I can't think of anyone in the Steelers' secondary who is tall enough or good enough to surround Fitzgerald without laying hands on him all day long.
• Can't shit on the secondary too much, though. They're the main reason the Steelers have gotten this far. Used to be that any team game-planning against Pittsburgh basically all formulated the same plan: Pass. A lot. I've spent many a Sunday cursing DeShea Townsend, and I don't think I've done that once this year.

And even though an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl would be pretty cool, I'm glad it's the Cards and not the Eagles. I know I wouldn't want to sit next to an Eagles fan (or really, anyone from Philly) if I didn't have to. Now Steelers fans won't have to worry about that.

Now, let's talk about what I'm sure Baltimore fans will call "a dirty hit" on Willis McGahee by Ryan Clark. First off, before you can even begin to accuse the Steelers of playing dirty, let's talk about the dickhead helmet-spear Leonhard put on Roethlisberger in the first half, well after he had thrown the ball, and that fat-ass Asian guy ripping Roethlisberger's throwing arm for no good reason around the same time.

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's recap article said Clark "could be fined for initiating helmet-to-helmet contact with McGahee," but that's the biggest bunch of horseshit. Any idiot can see that, on the replay, Clark led with his shoulder. McGahee, instead of trying to make a move, just ducked, AND LEANED RIGHT INTO CLARK'S HELMET. I mean hey, I'm glad to see that he's gonna be alright, but he brought that shit on himSELF.

You can tell it wasn't a dirty hit, because if it HAD been, Ray Lewis probably would run onto the field and stabbed somebody in the chest.

Bring on more birds, please...

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Best of Carl's Stone Cold Lock of the Century... of the Week

"I friggin' TOLD them Mexicans 'GIANTS'!" - Carl

If you listen to Scott Van Pelt's ESPN radio show, you know that once a week, he has Carl, from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," do a guest spot replacing that Nick Whoeverthefuck Tool that used to pick against the spread for ESPN. And thank God, because he's WAY better. Most weeks eventually come to revolve around his insane fanboy love for the New York Giants. You can listen to the whole season's worth of archives at ESPN, but just a few highlights:

Week 17: "[The Giants] are waltzin' around, going through da motions until January when it counts... meanwhile, I'm in blue body paint, wearing nothin' but LT's jockstrap on my head - that I caught in '89, it's a different story for a different time - and I'm BANGIN' A COWBELL JUST OUTSIDE JERRY REESE'S GATED COMMUNITY... MY CREDIBILITY IS COMPLETELY BLOWN!"

Week 16: "I'm givin' you the G-Men again this week. See I followed Jeff Feagles around all day yesterday, and I confronted him signin' plastic mini-footballs at the Best Buy in Newbridge. The look in his eye when he called security was one of determination and steely resolve. Now it's true, he is the punter, but it was CLEAR he wasn't gonna give me his cell phone number!"

Week 15: "It's that time of the season, no matter who we are, what our differences, that we can all come together, hold hands in harmony and agree... that Philly sucks the big one, big time. Hey Donovan McNabb's mom! Get a strainer! You gotta skim the bacon and potato out! 'Cause Chunky Soup don't flow so well through an IV tube! That's right, Donovan, 'cause you're gonna be suckin' down a heapin' helpin' of a new flavor: Big Blue Wreckin' Stew. With savory hearty chunks of your own dental work, and a frothy stew of Antonio Pierce's saliva."

Re: Eagles vs. Giants and Plaxico Burress: "It ain't too late to get out of it Donovan. Just buy a Glock and shoot yourself in the thigh, 'CAUSE APPARENTLY, THE LEAGUE DON'T LET YOU PLAY IF YOU DO 'DAT! A man has every right to defend himself in the VIP area of a strip club with extreme prejudice. Hey I ain't seen the ballistics on this. Ain't no evidence it came from his gun, except him sayin' that... it came from his gun. IT COULDA BEEN ONE OF ANDY REID'S KIDS! ITS A VICTIMLESS CRIME!!! I digress. My larger point is Philly sucks, Donovan sucks, the Giants rule eternal forever, like in the Bible, only in football."

Re: The bailout: "Times are tough. Lost your job? Can't make payments on your rental furniture? Someone repo your IROC? Hey, be happy someone wants an American car! So stop bawlin' about your situation, dummy, and open your ears, 'cause I'm about to implement Carl's Financial Bailout Program. And it don't involve suing KFC just 'cause you, quote unquote, found a rat pelvis in your eight-piece bucket, although that is a pretty awesome idea..."

Re: Bears vs. Colts: "Kyle is the name of a Webelo scout or a T-ball shortstop, not a leader of men. Look for GM Jerry Angelo to call Boca Raton and see if they can wake Vinny Testaverde up from his game of canasta. If the grandkids let 'em, they'll send the jet to fly him in for second half."

Re: The vicious hit Anquan Boldin took toward the beginning of the season: "Life is not a game. And yet football is. And football is NUMBER ONE! You got a nosebleed? Then you just lean ya head back while you run your out route. No one got all philosophical when I got popped in the shnoz. Now granted, I kept mouthin' off to the bouncer, but the point is that twelve dollars is OUTRAGEOUS for a lapdance."

• "Matt Millon drafted 97 receivers, and half of 'em are toastin' meatball panini subs down at Quizno's... the Ford family kept him for seven years, in hopes that he could secure every available wide receiver in the NFL, and leave other teams with only a running attack."

• "The Jets barely beat a 1-15 team with a throw my Ma coulda made, and she's laid up in the VA hospital 'cause she stripped naked, and bit an old lady in the hand outside the post office."

Re: Browns vs. Bengals: "Too bad Congress don't bail out football teams. I ain't seen a scuffle in the basement like this since I hot-glued a rat to my grandma and locked them both in a bomb shelter... relax, I don't advocate this behavior. That was over three years ago." 

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Shameless Plug for Myself

I've been making beats for a couple of years now. These are a handful of the latest, along with a few older ones I tossed up for good measure. I'm always looking for feedback, criticism and collabs. Lemme know.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Obscure Music Spotlight: Ras G

Despite the urge to go "I'm steppin' in hotter this yeeeeear," no, it's not Ini Kamoze...

It IS, however, a cool beatmaker I recently discovered named Ras G. Don't know shit about him, quite frankly haven't done the research yet, but I already like him a lot, just on the strength of Beats of Mind.

As his low-eyed, smoke-blowin' ass on the album cover may indicate, this is a fairly laidback affair. It's all instrumentals, and many low-key. Ras G is a big fan of what I would call The Madlib Sound, a loping, beat-chasing-melody sort of gait, with a heavy dose of fuzzy background noise, warped-vinyl atmospherics and dub influence. [This may be jumping the gun, but he may just be Jamaican... let's do a little quick background research... well, fuck me, turns out our man is from the Western Sahara region of Africa, which is even cooler]

Beats of Mind is kind of like a cross between some of Madlib's Beat Konducta work and fellow Oxnard native Kankick, with a little more of a paranoid vibe running through things. I like it a lot. Definitely good for rolling around late-night in the ride.

I could hear a number of these instrumentals working for artists like Oh No, Guilty Simpson, Kool Keith, Sadat X, and really any underground New York rapper.

Keep an eye out for this cat, and check out some of his other work, including "Ghetto Sci Fi," a collab with Ras G and the Afrikan Space Program. He's listed on