Monday, January 12, 2009

The Best of Carl's Stone Cold Lock of the Century... of the Week

"I friggin' TOLD them Mexicans 'GIANTS'!" - Carl

If you listen to Scott Van Pelt's ESPN radio show, you know that once a week, he has Carl, from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," do a guest spot replacing that Nick Whoeverthefuck Tool that used to pick against the spread for ESPN. And thank God, because he's WAY better. Most weeks eventually come to revolve around his insane fanboy love for the New York Giants. You can listen to the whole season's worth of archives at ESPN, but just a few highlights:

Week 17: "[The Giants] are waltzin' around, going through da motions until January when it counts... meanwhile, I'm in blue body paint, wearing nothin' but LT's jockstrap on my head - that I caught in '89, it's a different story for a different time - and I'm BANGIN' A COWBELL JUST OUTSIDE JERRY REESE'S GATED COMMUNITY... MY CREDIBILITY IS COMPLETELY BLOWN!"

Week 16: "I'm givin' you the G-Men again this week. See I followed Jeff Feagles around all day yesterday, and I confronted him signin' plastic mini-footballs at the Best Buy in Newbridge. The look in his eye when he called security was one of determination and steely resolve. Now it's true, he is the punter, but it was CLEAR he wasn't gonna give me his cell phone number!"

Week 15: "It's that time of the season, no matter who we are, what our differences, that we can all come together, hold hands in harmony and agree... that Philly sucks the big one, big time. Hey Donovan McNabb's mom! Get a strainer! You gotta skim the bacon and potato out! 'Cause Chunky Soup don't flow so well through an IV tube! That's right, Donovan, 'cause you're gonna be suckin' down a heapin' helpin' of a new flavor: Big Blue Wreckin' Stew. With savory hearty chunks of your own dental work, and a frothy stew of Antonio Pierce's saliva."

Re: Eagles vs. Giants and Plaxico Burress: "It ain't too late to get out of it Donovan. Just buy a Glock and shoot yourself in the thigh, 'CAUSE APPARENTLY, THE LEAGUE DON'T LET YOU PLAY IF YOU DO 'DAT! A man has every right to defend himself in the VIP area of a strip club with extreme prejudice. Hey I ain't seen the ballistics on this. Ain't no evidence it came from his gun, except him sayin' that... it came from his gun. IT COULDA BEEN ONE OF ANDY REID'S KIDS! ITS A VICTIMLESS CRIME!!! I digress. My larger point is Philly sucks, Donovan sucks, the Giants rule eternal forever, like in the Bible, only in football."

Re: The bailout: "Times are tough. Lost your job? Can't make payments on your rental furniture? Someone repo your IROC? Hey, be happy someone wants an American car! So stop bawlin' about your situation, dummy, and open your ears, 'cause I'm about to implement Carl's Financial Bailout Program. And it don't involve suing KFC just 'cause you, quote unquote, found a rat pelvis in your eight-piece bucket, although that is a pretty awesome idea..."

Re: Bears vs. Colts: "Kyle is the name of a Webelo scout or a T-ball shortstop, not a leader of men. Look for GM Jerry Angelo to call Boca Raton and see if they can wake Vinny Testaverde up from his game of canasta. If the grandkids let 'em, they'll send the jet to fly him in for second half."

Re: The vicious hit Anquan Boldin took toward the beginning of the season: "Life is not a game. And yet football is. And football is NUMBER ONE! You got a nosebleed? Then you just lean ya head back while you run your out route. No one got all philosophical when I got popped in the shnoz. Now granted, I kept mouthin' off to the bouncer, but the point is that twelve dollars is OUTRAGEOUS for a lapdance."

• "Matt Millon drafted 97 receivers, and half of 'em are toastin' meatball panini subs down at Quizno's... the Ford family kept him for seven years, in hopes that he could secure every available wide receiver in the NFL, and leave other teams with only a running attack."

• "The Jets barely beat a 1-15 team with a throw my Ma coulda made, and she's laid up in the VA hospital 'cause she stripped naked, and bit an old lady in the hand outside the post office."

Re: Browns vs. Bengals: "Too bad Congress don't bail out football teams. I ain't seen a scuffle in the basement like this since I hot-glued a rat to my grandma and locked them both in a bomb shelter... relax, I don't advocate this behavior. That was over three years ago." 

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