Keisel 3:16... I Got a Fever, and the Only Prescription is More Beard

• When the Packers hold 'Game Night' and play Clue, there is only one suspect: Brett Keisel, in the backfield, with the beard.

• If Bam Morris had Brett Keisel's beard, he would have had a much better place to hide all that weed.

• If Neil O'Donnell had Brett Keisel's beard, no one would know who the f*ck Larry Brown is.

• Legend has it that Brett Keisel's beard is what enabled Cortes to conquer ancient Mexico. The Aztecs mistook it for their supreme god, Keizelcoatl.

• Sidney Crosby's Frito Bandito pube-'stache wants to be Brett Keisel's beard when it grows up.

• Brett Keisel's beard can fold a piece of paper in half eight times.

• Brett Keisel's beard is so frightening, it's not a beard. It's a feard.

• If Bill Buckner had Brett Keisel's beard... ironically, no one would know who Bill Buckner was. Kind of funny how that one works.

• SPOILER ALERT: In the season finale of "Big Love," Brett Keisel's beard beats up Bill Paxton and takes all his wives.

• If Stringer Bell had Brett Keisel's beard, Brother Mouzone really would be selling beanpies. In a wheelchair.

• Brett Keisel's beard once appeared on NBC's "Minute to Win It." In 27 seconds, it kicked Guy Fieri's stupid bi-colored, tri-pronged beard's ass, took his girl and ate his food.

• Brett Keisel cannot braid his beard. If he does, he will spontaneously sprout two large horns and spend Super Bowl week pillaging the greater Arlington area.

• While at Harvard, Mark Zuckerberg befriended a janitor who was fired from the Steelers' training facility for locker-room theft. The man sold Zuckerberg a single hair from Brett Keisel's beard, which he ground into powder and snorted. Two hours later, he created Facebook.