My Brett Keisel Beardisms Beat Your Brett Keisel Beardisms' Ass and Took Their Lunch Money

Oh, really? Brett Keisel's beard could kick Chuck Norris's beard's ass? Wooow. Took you half an hour to think that one up? STEP YOUR GAME UP.

• Some states execute death-row inmates with the electric chair. In Utah, they rub a balloon on Brett Keisel's beard and touch your nose.

• "In my country, I see great men with great beard. Brett Keisel beard is greatest beard of ages. Thanks, Dan." - Evgeni Malkin

• Filtered tap water is not clean enough for Brett Keisel's beard. Brett Keisel's beard makes its own water. The hardest part is keeping the oxygen in the bowl.

• Schindler saved all those Jews by hiding them in Brett Keisel's beard. But Steven Spielberg on his high horse, he won't make a movie about a heroic hair mountain. That's racist.

• If you have five dollars and Brett Keisel's beard has five dollars, Brett Keisel's beard has more money than you. In fact, now Brett Keisel's beard has ten dollars. Punk.

• If Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears had Brett Keisel's beard, they wouldn't have been so embarassed by those paparazzi shots.

• Brett Keisel's beard's favorite movies are "To Kill a Mockingbeard," "Beard Science," "Beard and Present Danger" and "The Big Lebeardski." And "Rocky IV."

• If Brett Keisel's beard had a voice, it would sound like a combination of Darth Vader, Barry White, Howlin' Wolf and Godzilla.

• When Brett Keisel braids his beard, every Norwegian woman in a 99-mile radius simultaneously becomes sexually excited.

• A foolish man once tried to produce a likeness of Brett Keisel's beard using a Wooly Willy. A bolt of lightning struck his left testicle. Brett Keisel's beard does not tolerate such insolence.

• Brett Keisel's beard can watch '60 Minutes' in 20 minutes.

• "Damn, that thing is hairy." - Signed, 1970s Porn Stars

• "Brett Keisel's beard is out of control." - Sincerely, the 1992 L.A. Riots

• If Abraham Lincoln had Brett Keisel's beard... well... he'd still be dead, but you see where I'm going with this: Brett Keisel's beard can deflect bullets.

• "Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy beard. Thy facial hair come, thy will be done, in Arlington as it is in Pittsburgh. In the name of Keisel's Beard, Omar Epps and the Rooney Family. Fear the beard. Amen."

• When Aaron Rodgers' beard saw Brett Keisel's beard, it ran to Mississippi, grabbed a clipboard and hid in Brett Favre's 5'o'clock shadow for three years.