Monday, January 24, 2011

Super Bowl XLV: Fear the Beard

Fear. The. Beard.

Almost as fantastic as my hometown Steelers heading to Super Bowl XLV is the tremendous campaign that has been waged in honor of Brett Keisel's glorious hairy upside-down mountain. As a bearded man myself, I can only look and marvel at what the Diesel has been able to accomplish, both on the field and on the face. And so, a few "beardisms" in the run-up to the big game. Feel free to add yours:

• When Brett Keisel's beard gets tangled with Polamalu's hair in a defensive pile-up, Alec Guiness feels a great disturbance in The Force.
• Michael Scofield used a hair plucked from Brett Keisel's beard to escape Soma prison.
• Brett Keisel does not have to wipe his nose in the winter. Snot spontaneously combusts upon coming into contact with Brett Keisel's beard. This is also why Brett Keisel does not require a napkin while eating.
• Brett Keisel's beard once got into a fight with Polamalu's hair while on a fishing boat. The resulting shockwave carved the Marianas Trench.
• Hairs that fall when Brett Keisel combs his beard are capable of recording two sacks and a forced fumble in a Pop Warner game.
• HAVE YOU HEARD?!?!? BRETT KEISEL JUST SHAVED HIS BEARD! When he did, out popped Tupac, Biggie, Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, the Loch Ness Monster's dried-up skeleton, D.B. Cooper, a working magic lamp and a dodo (partial credit to my boy Shady on that one)
• Stroking Brett Keisel's beard can cure The Ninja.
• Brett Keisel once jumped into the ocean while on vacation in New England. The resulting wave killed George Clooney and Marky Mark in "The Perfect Storm."
• Brett Keisel doesn't, in fact, have a beard. What you see on his face is simply an extension of his indestructible skeleton, which is constructed of BEARDAMANTIUM.
• The world's greatest scientists were able to stretch out a single strand of Brett Keisel's beard until it was 727 feet high and 1,244 feet across. That strand now plays defense against the Colorado River, and is commonly referred to as "The Hoover Dam."
• If you want to secure America's borders... weave a fence out of Brett Keisel's beard.
• Brett Keisel's beard isn't into the whole brevity thing
• Brett Keisel's beard does not shave - it has attained the power of invisibility.

To the Steeler nation — at least the fellas, or perhaps the girls with too much testosterone — if you aren't sporting the whiskers already, BEARD UP. Throw your hairy support behind Big Ben, The Beard and the whole Steelers squidder!

To get you pumped up for the game, here's a beat I cooked up as a tribute to the late Myron Cope, whose Steelers won the AFC Championship on his birthday. Perfect. (Link will be active until Jan. 30)

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