No, Terrell Suggs, ^$%! YOU.

"Hey Pittsburgh... we're gonna fold like a motherf*cking paper crane."

Oh dear sweet Lord, I can't really explain how satisfying it was to watch my Steelers beat the Baltimore Ravens yesterday. I'll be the first person to say that if Terrell Suggs was a Steeler, I would love him. But he's a Raven. So f*ck'im.

Maybe during the offseason, he can get a t-shirt made that shows him crying into his overapplied eyeblack. Seriously, when does caked-on eyeblack go from mildly intimidating... to makeup? Maybe we can get you a little lip gloss, too, and I'll start calling you "Terelle."

The Tacoma Narrows Bridge just called from 1940, and called that sh*t "an epic collapse."

Steelers vs. Packers: It Never Felt So Good to Be At .500

WHEW!

Getting back to .500 never felt as good as this. True, it was an ugly game in which the Packers racked up yards almost at the same clip as the Steelers (final count for Big Ben, I believe, is 503 yards, 3 TDs), Mike Tomlin called for an inexplicable onside kick just as the Steelers took a 2-point lead and then managed to put together a game-winning drive thanks mainly to the Packers being the most-penalized team in the NFL.

I can't discount Ben's lights-out passing day, but consider this: Roethlisberger is having a career stat year... and the Steelers are only 7-7. A significant portion of that can be attributed to defensive injuries and the Ignominious-Yet-Ubiquitous Late-Game Defensive Breakdown, but it also speaks to a real difficulty with the run game, despite having an able running and possible rising star in Rashard Mendenhall.

Two things that Joe Buck mentioned stand out to me today (which is rare; the only thing that usually stands out is my everpresent hate of Joe Buck): Ben's career year, and the fact that not a single Steelers cornerback has had an interception this season. Not a one of 'em. That's terrible. Some of it is attributable to Polamalu being gone. He causes all kinds of havoc and - when he's not getting the INTs - opens things up for other D-backs to get INTs.

Stan Savran is describing on 'Steel City Postgame' right now how, in a massively-convoluted way, the Steelers can still squeeze into the wild-card spot. If they can win out over Baltimore and Miami, they can hand 'em both important losses. They need Denver to lose (they play the Eagles next week), and they need Jacksonville to lose (they play the Pats to close out the season).

I really don't even wanna think about it, or do the math.

So, without further ado, my dream off-season:

Gots-to-Go Situations

• William Gay - I've heard his name called too many times this season giving up big plays. He blew tackles allll day today.

• Willie Colon and possibly Max Starks - Again, their names come up every single week. Starks had an especially bad game today and has been fair-to-middling this year, but Colon specializes in the late-game, momentum-killing penalty, whether it's a false start or holding.

Probably Going

• Willie Parker - I love him, but he just hasn't been the same since he broke that leg. I have a feeling he'll probably be gone after this year.

Off-Season Moves

• Trade some combination of Colon, William Gay and Limas Sweed for one solid offensive lineman. Sweed is young, and he might have an upside yet to come, despite his "Nice hands, feet" performance this year.

• Use the draft picks to try and pick up one more solid addition to the O-line.

• This will probably never happen, because it's not the Rooneys' style, but I really think they should try and throw some cash at a shutdown corner. It's probably going to be a tough year for that; I'll admit I don't know who may be available in the offseason... but they can't go back to the days where teams just abandoned the running game and passed all day on the secondary. Rodgers went wild on 'em all day today.

• I have no solution for the special teams. Steelers just can't seem to do special teams. My only recommendation is trading for Josh Cribbs, so he can't run back two kicks every single &$^!ing game.

'Burgh Sports Wrap: One-Fourth of the NFL Season is Already Gone, and I've Only Won the Pool Once...

Go 'head, Brent... too bad no one could score a single facking goal to back you up

PENGUINS

Admittedly, I've only seen one Pens game so far, and they had to go and lose it, 3-0. Although I'll also admit that my attitude going into it was, "The Phoenix Coyotes? What the fuck is a hockey team doing in a city that couldn't ever possibly have natural ice?" This, of course, is a vain hope in the modern NHL, with squidders in Florida and Cali. Anyway, turns out the 'Yotes are one of the fastest teams in the league, and it certainly looked that way last night. True, it's early in the season, and the Pens are 3-1, but it was kind of an ugly loss. I paid absolutely zero attention during the off-season, which led to blatant ignorance on my part about Scuderi and Big Hal Gill being gone. I also didn't know about this Brent Johnson cat. Can't really put the loss on him, though. There weren't any bad goals (hell, Prucha scored one flat on his back with his leg all bent backwards and shit!).

I'll certainly give 'em a few more games to gel, but the scoring lines are pretty much the same; they weren't getting it done last night. They were just giving the puck away time and again. Philly tonight... phuck the Phlyers.

STEELERS

I'll call this a satisfactory recovery from last week's testicle-shriveling loss to the Bungles, WHO LET THE GAWDDAMN BROWNS DROP 20 ON 'EM THIS PAST WEEKEND, BY THE WAY. San Diego is a decent team with hardly any D. I'm still not happy with where the defense is, but that can still be chalked up to Polamalu being gone. Hopefully they let him sit out the Lions game so he can come back full-strength two weeks from now. It was nice to see Mendenhall have a breakout game. Hate to say it, but I'd also like to see him replace Willie Pee if he keeps it up. I love me some Fast Willie, and I'll love him forever for Super Bowl XL, but since the injury he's just not the same. Not his fault, but Mewelde Moore has been nothing but good for this team since they picked him up, and a Mendenhall/Moore attack is a throwback to the Bettis/Random Third-Down Back Days (Oh you don't think so? Let's do the rundown: George Jones, Fred McAfee, Richard Huntley, Amos Zeroue, Chris Fu'amatu Ma'afala... that's just '97 to '99) when the Steelers ran it straight up everyone's cornhole every week.

This is actually about the best schedule you could hope for when it comes to a team that is having some defensive difficulties. Lions, Browns, Vikings, Broncos, Bengals again, then Chiefs. The Vikings are gonna be tough, but I'm convinced the wheels are gonna fall off Denver any week now. It's gonna suck playing the Ravens twice in less than 30 days, but there's still the Raiders (greatest Dan Patrick Show caller of all time: "Can JaMarcus Russell throw it 70 yards? Sure! Ain't nobody gonna catch it."), Dolphins, and another game against the Browns.